The Kiddie Table

The kiddie table has long been a refuge at holiday gatherings but this year, there was an egregious violation. To be fair, in order for a violation to occur, there has to be a clear set of rules. After a quick search, I came up empty handed, so I submit to the world a framework that can be built upon as necessary.

Rule 1: Actual kids get the first dibs at the table. If they choose to forfit their positions, the next-youngest person has a right to the table.

Rule 2: The youngest person at the table has the right to be designated "Table Overlord" and thus has the authority to say who can and cannot sit at the table. (Note: This right does not exempt this person from possible repricussions based on decisions made).

Rule 3: If you are over 50 years old, you are banished from the kiddie table. Chances are, if you are that old, the people at the kid's table will be making fun of you. If you are present, this becomes impossible and greatly detracts from the enjoyment of the holiday.

Rule 4: If you are crazy, you are also banished from the kid's table UNLESS you are "funny crazy" which is to be solely determined by rightful occupants. Crazy people include but are not limited to:

a) People who own more than 2 cats
b) People who do not leave their town of residence at least once a month
c) Women who send letters to priests with little heart stickers on them
d) People who think that the actual kid's at the table are their own children when in fact, they are not

The rules are simple. Sadly, rules 3 and 4 were broken this year detracting from the usual pleasure I get from poking fun at relatives who deserve it. Instead, I enjoyed my Turkey in silence - at least it was good Turkey.